Red Gumbo

Hiking Maryland Heights

2011-06-29T11:51:00.004-04:00

Went hiking today in Harper's Ferry, WV on the Maryland Heights trail, and it was an awe-inspiring experience. I've hiked the trail twice before, but this was the first time I hiked the full 4 mile trail (there is a shorter 2 mile trail you can take).

The weather was perfect, and until I was on the final portion of the descent, not a soul in sight. It's been a bit of a twisted week for me, and my head hasn't quite been on right. Today's hike was just what the doctor ordered.

It was only about a year and a half ago that I discovered the joys of hiking. For me it became a very spiritual experience from the beginning, and something that feels like it has always been a part of me despite taking 37 years to discover it.

A big part of what made my hike today amazing was the sheer difficulty of it. The MH trail is not for the faint of heart. You've got massive inclines that seem to go on forever, difficult footing with rocks that range from gravel to small boulders, suspect trail markings at times that make it easy to get lost, and some downhills that would love nothing better than to claim you ankle as their bitch.

But for a guy like me, who gets wrapped up in my head way too much, being faced with a task that requires so much physical effort and focus is an amazing tonic. It is the pain of the path that opens up an opportunity to learn and grow. To remember what I feel like when I am my best self. Calm, joyful, centered.

One of my favorite parts of the trail today was under a canopy of green amongst stone walls left over from civil war encampments. While I find no particular pride in the heritage of the civil war, just as I'd find no pride in any family at war with itself, it was striking to be amongst the hard physical labor of young men from so long ago. I felt a strong connection to them, and respect for what they endured.

It was in that spot that I closed my eyes and felt the wind swirl gently around me. Delicate rays of sunlight just barely illuminated the ground, and it is in these moments that I feel fully connected to the world and all the potential we as humans possess. Wind in particular has always been the physical sensation that most connects me with a feeling of divinity. The flow of it around me today provided for me a feeling of universal connectedness that was half dirty hippie, half buddah-y. And I'm fine with that. The struggle is maintaining my awareness of that when faced with day to day stuff.

And that was only the half way point. I got to look out over lush trees to the Shenandoah river miles below, stand in golden grass filled with rocks like clouds, scramble over terrain that felt like recess to the kid still inside me.

And as I started to see a few other souls on my way down the mountain, I saw smiles and heard cheerful greetings from strangers, who by mere virtue of treading the same path, felt a sense of kinship.

Though I know better, I often allow myself to drift outward in my search for peace and happiness, love and satisfaction. But days like these, and hikes like this, remind me that it is an inward journey that must be taken to find my center.

I hope all of you who read this have something in your life that gives you a sense of reconnection, too.

Why Men Cheat

2011-06-09T09:02:00.006-04:00

Every couple of news cycles, much like celebrities dying in threes, we get a perfect storm of high profile divorces and infidelity tales that make the average married dude's life much harder. Because when Schwarzenegger fathers a bastard child with his housekeeper, suddenly men around the world hear insane things like, "If you ever have a child with another woman I will kill you," from their usually stable significant other. As though we are at risk of impregnating a maid we don't have.

Or when John Edwards faces criminal charges for misappropriation of public funds to cover up an affair, so that his wife who was dying of cancer wouldn't find out we're greeted with peppy responses such as, "Ugh, men are such pigs!"

Of course, when Rep. Weiner is both stupid enough to distribute pictures of his man parts to every decent looking FaceBook slag he can wrangle, and then compounds the error by being unaware of the difference between a public and private post, you can be sure that just about every dudes cellphone and Social Media accounts are attacked by their "trusted" partners with the intensity of an ANONYMOUS hack looking for evidence of wrong doing or shady dealings.

So these events always bring up the question, WHY DO MEN CHEAT!!

Which is missing the point a bit, because really the issue is,

"Why do people cheat?"

As you'll see at the link above, over 1/2 of all people, men and women admit to cheating, and around 3/4's would have an affair if they thought they could get away with it.

So why is it mostly men that we see in the news cycle. Mostly because a woman having an affair is going to be significantly more discreet about it on balance than a man. So really men are the ones with the greatest reason to be paranoid about their partner. A woman may cheat on you and you'll have no particular way of knowing. If a man is doing it, there are probably going to be signs, often obvious signs, that something hinky is afoot.

But for today we are focusing on what's up with the menfolk and their apparent inability to keep their pants zipped. Now there are many reasons for these shenanigans. And most of them you ladies can't do anything about I'm afraid. There's the asshole factor, where a guy like Weiner, fresh off a new marriage simply continues illicit relationships that he probably never had any intention of ending once he got married. Instead of respecting the institution and his future wife enough to not enter into a contract with false intentions, he wanted his cake and blah, blah, blah. That makes him an asshole. Actually a lying asshole.

Advice - Don't marry a lying asshole.

Then of course comes the power argument. Men are typically more accomplished later in life, but often make marriage choices early in life. So as they become more accomplished, they become more attractive to the opposite sex and now a world of options that wasn't available when they were younger opens up to them. Since just about every accomplishment a male can achieve has the fantasy award of all women will want you, it's no surprise that as men achieve greater power they will also often decide that they deserve the rewards of power, even if it means breaking their marriage vows.

Advice - Be aware that a highly successful male probably thinks a multitude of sweaty young women is the ultimate confirmation of true achievement.

So if your dude's a player, an asshole, or a power reaching alpha male then you can pretty much just assume you are going to get cheated on. Sorry ladies. As yummy as those guys may be, there's a cost. Your choice if you want to pay it.

Now, we finally come to the category you can do something about. The average slightly frustrated married male. Why is the average married male slightly frustrated? Because sex is a maintenance function for men. Anything less than 3 - 4 times a week for most dudes and they are going to spend an exorbitant amount of time thinking about it, because the lack of it makes it a big deal.

Because early on men had to learn how to pursue women if they wanted to get laid. And believe me, we want to get laid. Most men also have studied, like graduate students, sex and how to make it better for the woman. How to get a woman excited, how to perform oral sex, how to last longer, what positions work best with different equipment and body types, the best way to introduce new ideas into lovemaking, and of course working out body and mind to be ready to impress the opposite sex with whatever their preferred focus is. Any decent male lover out there has literally put in PhD level hours to get that way, especially since much of the study is theoretical since you ladies aren't particularly freewheeling with your charms.

And all that work feels totally worth it at first just to have that opportunity to have sex with you. And we're happy to focus totally on you because it gives us a chance to show off all the skills we've acquired.

But as a relationship progresses, and the thrill of the hunt fades, an ugly truth often comes to the surface. Many women just aren't that good at sex. I know you think you are, because every guy you've ever met tried to bed you, and none of them ever complained when you gave it up, but the reality is that most women approach sex very passively and demand that their partner does all the heavy lifting.

Now this is not totally your fault. All you had to do to attract a mate, if you are even Top 50% on an attractiveness scale, was be a woman. You didn't have to dress nice, have a good personality, show financial aptitude, or even shower regularly in order to easily find a moderately attractive partner who wanted to be with you.

So you never really learned to value sex. You never really learned to think of your partner as someone deserving of your abject lust. You learned that your partner should have to last longer, rather than learning how to train your body to get excited faster. You learned that your pleasure is someone else's responsibility instead of your own.

You learned that it's ok to casually brush aside your partner's advances because hell, he'll still be interested later whenever you feel like it, and maybe he'll try to do extra nice things to get you in the mood anyway.

Problem is, since you never had to face the soul crushing terror of putting yourself out there, in someone else's hands, hoping that they deem you worthy, you have no idea the anger and irritation that your partner feels when even after establishing a long term relationship they still have to "work at it" to get in your pants. And that they must usually be the one instigating things, hoping to catch you at a good time.

This is not to say that sex shouldn't be special, and that we men don't want to treat the women we love as princesses. For the most part we do. But that doesn't mean we wouldn't love to have you come on to us like some crazed, lust-addled creature who seems to want our cock more than air. Do you have to think hard about when the last time you did that to your partner was? Then that's a big FAIL on your part.

'Cause here's what's gonna happen. Unless your partner is a hermit, at some point he's going to come across a woman who does feel that way, who decides to pursue him despite his relationship status because he turns her on, and she's not scared to show it. And when that happens, many menfolk are simply ill-equipped to fight that off. It's flattering to be wanted, and it ties in with what we are taught from childhood which is that sexual mastery is the greatest end. What greater sexual mastery is there for a man than to have a woman lustfully throwing herself at you. The answer is none.

Why do you think Hugh Hefner is such a hero? He's kind of a pathetic manchild pursuing sex with women up to 60 years younger than him. 60! But that is the male ideal as sold in our culture.

So if your guy isn't one of the "will definitely cheat on you" types mentioned in the first part of the article, then it is somewhat your responsibility to create an environment in your relationship where he wouldn't want to cheat. Let him know you want him. Learn a new trick here and there (just not from Cosmo). Do some research. Get good in bed. Surprise him.

Not only will this keep his attentions focused on you, but it will also likely lead to him doing a much better job of taking care of things you wish he would focus on because he'll want to do things for you. He will be grateful believe me.

And if after all that he still cheats on you, there was nothing you could do to stop it. He was a cheater straight down to the bone and you're just as well to be rid of him. But with all that you've learned, pick a better guy the next time and your openness and sexual creativity will hook him deep.

How Do You Determine a Teacher's Value? (hint: it's got nothing to do with how she looks, perv)

2011-03-09T11:14:00.011-05:00

Right now on a talk show or news program somewhere in this country, people are arguing over what a teacher should be paid. They're not looking at the education system and what the strengths and failures of it are, they're not talking about what the inherent value of education is, or how we value it in this country. They're certainly not talking about student and parent responsibility.

Nope, they're just arguing over teacher salaries.

Which raises the question of, why?

I think the argument over what teachers get paid is an attempt to attach a value to what a single educator is worth, or more specifically, what they contribute to society through their work. The reason we have to look at what a teacher's value is to the country instead of to an individual is because of how they are paid. Taxes fund the government paid, teacher salaries so their financial worth is dictated by the "greater good" argument. If education were strictly privatized then teacher salaries would be determined by a market rate. But that's not the case, and the private school system cannot be used as a model for that because the requirements to be a teacher in a private school system do not align with the much more stringent requirements to be a public school teacher.

So, what is the best way to determine a teacher's worth? Unfortunately it is a difficult question to answer because there are far too many variables to address for a workable model to be feasible. Of course you have teacher ability, but you also have student ability, home support, quality of educational tools available, sense of student safety, peer group influence, strength of school, strength of school district, educational effect of extracurricular activities, etc.

Simply put, a good teacher effects students positively, and a bad teacher effects students negatively, but good luck proving either of those positions.

So if we cannot quantify a teacher's worth through a traditional numbers model, what IS the best way?

This is an area that would better lend itself to intelligent debate about the educational system than the eye-rolling, party line nonsense getting spouted out on daytime TV, but since it is currently not being discussed much I'll just tell you what I think. The worth of an educator in the public school systems is really a question of philosophy. There are many shades of how people feel about teachers, but for simplicity lets break it down into the two broadest camps -

1) Those who feel that teachers are part time babysitters who get three months of paid vacation a year.

2) Those who feel that teachers are the architects of our country's intellectual infrastructure.

I think we can all agree that those two job descriptions would lead to a massive difference in income expectation can we not?

Personally, I feel position 2 is correct, and that teachers are as crucial to the intellectual health of our country as doctors are to the physical and lawyers are to the legal. The main difference is that it does not feel like we have to pay teachers out of pocket so we are never forced to consider their inherent value. As with many things, if something seems cheap then we will treat it as though it is. A free education is such a phenomenal and generous gift that many treat it with about as much respect as a gum wrapper.

Further complicating things from a philosophical standpoint is that when a teacher is effective their work is largely invisible. Bad teaching is obvious, when students come through that cannot read or write, or pass basic math skills and then face a lifetime of accumulative failures because they were not adequately prepared to fit in with society as envisioned by the founders.

But good teaching, that sends out accomplished, motivated, self-starters who own their intellectual ability, put it to good use and succeed against doubters and long odds because of the strong sense of self confidence and reliance that a solid education helped to instill in them, that kind of teaching is not flashy.

We see the product, but don't make the leap to thank the craftsperson.

So teachers largely toil in secret, seeing their successes laid at the feet of their charges and seeing their failures placed squarely on their own shoulders.

Perhaps this is why it is usually the dedicated who choose this profession. After all, if this were truly a cushy cash cow, common sense would seem to indicate that those working long hours as middle managers and VP's would be equally drawn to the high living lifestyle of an educator. We should never ignore the obvious simply because it doesn't support our viewpoint. If teachers were overpaid lazybones, it would be a much more competitive field to get a job in.

The fact that most teachers do not actively complain about their income probably means that it is currently in a range that teachers find acceptable, maybe not ideal, but at least acceptable. Which in my opinion is a bargain since most working professionals with the education and experience of long term teachers make 6 figures. As a country we're getting a great bargain, and right now, in my opinion, some folks who haven't thought the issue through to its logical conclusion are going to cost us. They will either cost us in worldwide competitiveness by driving the best teachers out of education, or cost us in the pocketbook when teachers stand up and demand the full bill for what they feel they are worth.

At this point we must also look at the idea of merit pay. On the surface it seems like a pretty good idea. Maybe drop the base salary of teachers, but reward the best generously through performance metrics. Yes, many will argue that standardized tests are a poor measure and are racially and gender biased. That may be true, but we do need some way to measure student performance - and for now that's what we've got so I'm not going to broach that subject.

The problem with merit pay is a question of equality. If the merit is only determined by test scores then teachers in higher scoring test districts have a natural advantage that has nothing to do with their ability and everything to do with the population attending their school. This puts teachers in the schools serving students who need the most help at a distinct disadvantage and will drive highly capable teachers away from the students who need them most.

On the other hand, if you base merit pay on percentage of student improvement, it certainly would give you a good idea of how effective an individual teacher is. But it also puts the teacher in a higher scoring district at a disadvantage. If a class is full of 95th percentile students there is only so far they can improve. If a teacher has a class of non-English speaking students, the ability to raise their test scores is huge because the starting point is guaranteed to be extremely low.

What about a fusion of the two? Giving merit pay based on percentage increase in schools with a pre-defined low achievement rate, and based on test scores in general in pre-defined high achievement schools. Well, good luck with coming up with those details and not running into an unworkable set of racial and social obstacles.

Oh, and in case we forgot, what exactly are we going to do about Art teachers, Music teachers, P.E. teachers and so on. Shall we simply discount them because their subject may lack an easily measurable effect on student achievement?

So what do we do?

We could all just stop complaining about the high on the hog, rock n roll lifestyle of today's teachers and let common sense in regards to their value rule the day, but that seems unlikely.

So if they idea is to rework the educational system, change teacher incomes, or bring increased accountability to the whole process, can we at least be open to the fact that it's an extraordinarily complex issue instead of making teachers into financial scapegoats for the widespread and endemic spending of a government acting like a college kid with their first credit card.

Maybe the best thing we could all do is stop trying to passive aggressively punish the teachers we didn't like, and go talk to the teacher who had the biggest effect on your life. Sit down, thank them for all they did, and then explain to them why you think they're an overpaid fat cat.

But then again maybe it's too hard to apply critical thinking to a difficult issue when you can just turn it into a screeching match over what teachers get paid. If that's the case it probably does make sense to you for teachers to be paid less, because it is a damn shame that you weren't taught better.

Public Debate and Anal Sex (aka How To Deal with an Asshole)

2011-03-04T07:52:00.008-05:00

Alright, first things first, you may not like the content of this particular blog post for so many reasons that to continue on from here is strictly at your own risk.

'Cause we're gonna talk about anal sex, and political debate, and how learning to deal with one can help you learn to deal with the other. Sound too icky? Then for goodness sake stop reading. Seriously.

Right now.

OK, you're still here? Let's get to it.

Despite what the news media and porn would have you believe, it's not just freaks and apoplectic weirdos who engage in these activities. Lots of people try both, and many find the experience unpleasant because of a simple lack of know-how. Of course some are a natural at it, and others will simply never even consider it. That's all part of the broad beauty of humanity. But if you've been curious about either, let's look at some of the realities involved.

In both public debate and anal sex, you are going to have to spend the majority of your time dealing with assholes. That's just the way of it. Many people choose not to participate in either activity because they are so put off by assholes that they simply cannot deal with them. So they say things like, "I'm not political," or "I'm not interested in any pee pee/pooper action."

That's fine, but it's often fear of the unknown, or disinterest in facing a notable challenge that leads to these attitudes rather than a patent inability to enjoy either if suitably prepped.

And preparation is truly the key in both cases. You gotta look at both sides of the issue and see what does and doesn't belong in the discussion, clean out the pipes of misinformation if you will. You gotta lube things up to make sure the info you have flows smoothly and works they way you intend. And it's very important to make sure that what you're bringing to the party is a good fit for the discussion at hand.

Failure to do any of these things will lead to a painful, shitty experience that will likely end with both people involved swearing off the whole damn concept.

There are certainly assholes you simply cannot deal with no matter how hard you try. If someone is truly unwilling to do their due diligence in the matter, if they will not engage in intelligent prep work and only come to the party with their unclean, shitty assholeness in tow, then you cannot engage with them reasonably.

At first you are going to view the person you're engaged with as an opponent, as nothing other than an asshole. Barely human and hard to differentiate. But there are many different types of assholes. And a good clean asshole, while perhaps presenting a view that is different or uncomfortable from what you are used to, may just give you an opportunity to see things from a different perspective. Find some new wrinkles that you hadn't thought of and bring them to a positive light. Hell, you might even come to a point where you don't see an asshole at all anymore, just a unique and engaging experience.

On the other hand, a dirty asshole, someone coming at you with lies and filth, possessing nothing but undigestable kernels of misinformation mixed in with their outright bullshit; they would much rather disgust you than discuss with you because they are too lazy to engage in the activity at hand in a reasonable and adult way.

These dirty assholes are the people who argue for Creationism, and that Obama wasn't born in the U.S. Completely irrational viewpoints that gleefully reject facts, common sense and critical thinking. To paraphrase Bill Maher - childbirth vs. delivery by stork is not a debate.

On the other hand, the immigration debate, health care debate, and even the question of whether or not it matters if the PUSA is a Muslim, are all good, legitimate, clean opportunities for discussion. I may disagree whole heartedly with your take on these issues, but a nice rowdy exchange of viewpoints is good for all of us, may even teach us all something about ourselves, and provides an experience that can grow us as a person. Plus it's an intellectual safety area that provides us a non-committed play opportunity before moving on to the real deal traditional sex of policy development, and the violent childbirth of law making.

Ultimately your partner has to have the same respect for the activity that you're about to engage in as you do or it simply cannot happen. There will be screaming and accusations and a lot of bad feelings afterwards. And you have to be able to listen if you want to be successful.

So consider this a primer if you've found yourself scared to participate. Get you some facts, research, lube and easily washable sheets. Have a rousing bout of backdoor action and rowdy public debate. Anyone, with proper preparation and motivation can do it.

All night long!

Why You're Probably a Douchebag (When you go out to eat)

2010-02-03T09:55:00.008-05:00

It took me about 35 years, but I finally figured out that I don't have any career aspirations. I mean, sure I'd love to write a million dollar screenplay or write music for a living, and I pursue those activities, but they remain pie-in-the-sky imaginings as to actual income production.

What I have discovered, after being everything from a Gov't Contracts Project Manager to a Security Guard, Massage Therapist to a Cust Svc Rep for Highlights magazine is this - money and career don't motivate me. I like to have money, but it's not a life direction determiner.

So now, at 37 I'm making a little money as a writer for JoBlo.com, but make my nut from serving at Longhorn Steakhouse. It gives me the flexibility to be a dad for my kids during the day, and still make a decent living at night. Especially when you take into account the savings on daycare and commuting costs that I'd incur if I went and got a "real" job again.

Overall I dig it. Work stress doesn't come home with you, and it's a fun group of people. But it's also one of the sharpest insights into the human mindset you could imagine. The way people act when they are out to eat sometimes defies belief, and so to save you the wonder of if you are a douchebag or not when you go out to eat, here's a primer for ya:

1) Don't camp out - We make money by volume. You spend $100 and tip $25 because you're a good tipper and your server did a great job. Outstanding. But then you hang out for another three hours drinking coffee during the dinner rush and chatting away with your company. You've just cost me three rotations of that table, and anywhere from $25 - $60 on average. That's theft my friends. If you are going to hang out then you should strongly consider paying rent - an extra $5 to $10 for each extra hour. Don't like it, go sit at the bar.

2) Don't forget your manners - "Please" and "Thank you" will go a long way towards making your service better. Your server isn't your servant. Also, don't shake your glass at them or point, or grunt, grimace, demand. Unless of course you want everything at your table to take twice as long to get as it could.

3) Don't ask for extra strong drinks - Drinks are made how drinks are made. The only thing you'll do by asking for extra liquor for free is tell the server at the outset that you're a terrible tipper and you'll probably get ignored for most of your time at the restaurant. If you are a regular who has shown you take care of your server then benefits of this sort may come your way without even asking. Otherwise don't bother.

4) Don't think we like like you - It's a servers job to be personable and make you feel comfortable. Whether or not you're funny we're going to laugh at your jokes, and whether or not you're cute we're going to smile at your flirting. But it's just as sincere as a hooker would be. If you think you've really got some chemistry with your server then you've never been in the back of a restaurant.

5) Don't assume we should be working somewhere else - People love to ask why we're not doing "something else", as though serving is beneath a competent person. I've done just about every job under the sun, and the unique and varied skill set it takes to be a server is more demanding than what's required for 95% of the work I've done. Sure a lot of servers want to get out because it's very hard work, if you're not working you're not earning, and the benefits are largely non-existent, but make no mistake, we're probably out earning most of you.

6) Don't verbal tip - Leaving a 12% tip after telling us what a great job we did makes the tip suck even more, not less. If you think you're server did well enough to note it, then you should be thinking about leaving 22 - 25%. Otherwise, STFU.

7) Don't leave less than 20% - 20% is standard and if you think that's too much then make your own fucking food and serve it to yourself at your house. If you go out to eat with the attitude that your server needs to earn your tip, then you're basically disrespecting that person because you are not an expert on how to do the job. If you'd like someone who doesn't know how to do your job coming in to determine that your expected salary is too much, then you have a leg to stand on for tipping poorly. Otherwise, tip the 20% and get on with your life.

8) Don't forget how to do math - $8 is NOT %20 of a $48 check. $10 is NOT %20 of a $65 check. $20 is NOT %20 of a $140 check.

9) Don't ask for ToGo drinks - Asking for a ToGo cup for the rest of your drink at the table is fine. So is asking for a box for any remaining bread, but asking us to bring you a fresh drink to go, or a fresh bunch of bread to take with you makes you look cheap and greedy.

10) DO remember that we WILL remember you - If you suck, we will remember. When you come back to eat at your favorite restaurant your service will suffer. We will tell other servers how much you suck. If we're out, and see you at a bar, we'll tell the bartender (who we probably know very well) how much your suck. If you find that every time you go out the service isn't good enough to impress you, it's likely that you've brought it on yourself. Like going to the doctor, once something is noted in your file, it is there forever.

So if you fall into any of those categories, just know that it's not too late to turn things around. You CAN be a good restaurant guest with just a little work. And if you take only one thing from this, then take this -

DO YOU THINK THAT EXTRA COUPLE OF BUCKS WILL MEAN MORE TO YOU OR YOUR SERVER?

Thanks for listening, and don't be scared to educate those you love too :-)

Sex Is Awesome (and Makes You Stupid)

2009-12-12T08:02:00.004-05:00

Was chatting with a chick at work the other night who is a virgin. Good on ya (or not actually) I say. Why? Why not? I think that getting married before you've slept with someone is a massive error, but choosing to keep your cookie intact, your wick dry, these are things I fully support if that's the way you want to do things.

After all, virgins tend to think and talk about sex a lot. They plan for it, imagine what they want, and are obviously quite picky about who they give it up to. Not necessarily a bad way to go about it. In fact, it's far more mature than most of the sexually active people who would rather fumble from one embarrassing drunken hook up to another than actually discuss the sex they are about to have, or want to have, or just flat out fantasize about.

My father, in conversations that were mortifying at the time, used to say, "If you're not mature enough to talk about sex, you're not mature enough to have it." Wise dude.

Oddly enough it usually feels much more intimate to honestly discuss a sexual relationship than to just get down to business. After all, sex without context is just organic IKEA. Slightly confusing at first, but fairly intuitive as to how to put it together.

But people EXPECT sex to be intimate, so they do stupid things like starting a relationship just because they nailed someone. Which is silly. If two people want to get it on, then get it on and let it be that. Don't make it more than it is. Also, if you don't JUST want to get it on, then don't pretend like you do. If sex creates an emotional connection for you then you should be damn careful who you let or get inside (figuratively and literally).

Do you know why a great hug feels so great, and sex often leaves you feeling so hollow? Because a great hug is physical, intimate, non-demanding and shared for mutual pleasure. Nobody's keeping score or bragging to their friends about the great hug they just had. Nobody's manipulating people with great hugs.

But that's 'cause we're not so damn conflicted about hugs.

Sex is the ever present pink elephant in the room. It drives us on the most base level and is a constant factor in our human interactions, but no one wants to acknowledge it. So people end up with all sorts of regret about the sex they DO have because they don't have the support, the courage or the gumption to talk about the sex they WANT to have.

So you get drunk and hook up with some beautiful/handsome (or not so beautiful/handsome) idiot one night. Instead of going into it saying to the person, I don't see much in common between us, but you make me so damn hot that I want to bend you over and roto rooter your plumbing, people try to turn that reasonable one night of fun into a relationship because they think that sex should be special.

Two things you need to know here.

First, sex is not by definition special. It's actually a quite common and typical part of the animal kingdom. We've just been raised to hold it on a pedestal while at the same time feeling shame about wanting it. No wonder we're all so screwed up.

Second, you cannot change a person by fucking them.

Allow me to repeat that - YOU CANNOT CHANGE A PERSON BY FUCKING THEM!

People will act all sorts of dishonest ways to get sex, but eventually the person you is be the person you is. No quantity or quality of sex can stop that from coming to the fore.

Why do you think most relationships end with someone saying "they're just not the person I thought they were". It's because when we're trying to fuck someone for the first time we'll contort ourselves into all sorts of positions that aren't natural to us to show that we're just the kind of dance partner they want. We'll say anything, try anything, go anywhere.

If dating were honest you could establish at the start if rimjobs and snowballing are a preference or a deal breaker. Instead people hide what they really want from sex out of embarrassment or lack of trust in their partner, and then 30 years later grandma and grandpa break up because they went outside of the relationship for swallowing and trains instead of giving each other the chance to fulfill their needs.

Stupid fucked up shit. Lack of honesty about sex is probably the number one communication issue in relationships and the major reason for infidelity, small pox and the economy.

So while I generally think virgins who make that decision from a standpoint of moralistic superiority, or my fav, a predilection for stating that it's not that big a deal, have an immature perspective - so do most of the people having sex in the world.

Personally I'd rather see rolling orgiastic plains of informed and honest sodomistic partnering than dry fields of scrapbooking pajama parties, but that's because sex feels awesome and I don't think there's any reason people who want to have it shouldn't be having reams of it.

But if you can't tell the person you're about become a Siamese twin with for the next 30 seconds to half hour that you wish they'd choke you and spit on your face then maybe you shouldn't be on that flesh train with 'em in the first place.

I don't mean we should get all Antioch College about sex - "May I touch your breasts?" "Yes." "May I chew on your nose?" "I'd rather you didn't."

But seriously, for anyone out there wondering why you keep getting stuck in bad relationships, or keep waking up unhappy with the figure in bed next to you. Try limiting yourself to bumping uglies with people you talked about the act with beforehand. You're quantity will drop like bombs, but your quality will become a phenomenon!

Clearly I'm punchy at this point so end of blog. Go find someone you dig and talk about the dirty things you'd like to do to them. And then do them!

Of course your relationship ended badly (or in FIGHT CLUB speak, "You are not special")

2009-12-11T12:39:00.003-05:00

Enough OK. Please don't ask me to care about the ins and outs of how your relationship ended. Most relationships end. And when they do, they end badly. Otherwise they wouldn't end. Also please don't bother me with tales of all your "good" breakups.

A good breakup involves at least one person lying or a lack of passion for the damn thing in the first place.

Now I get some heat all the time for not being a particularly supportive person when it comes to heartbreak. And I'm not. It's like asking me to give a 5 star review to a movie sporting a plot I've seen a thousand times. It just gets old.

There will always be two aggrieved parties. There will always be he said/she said (or s/he said, s/he said). There will always be a battle for the allegiance of mutual friends and a pissing contest to lock down shared hang outs.

This is what comes with a break up. It's the cost of getting intimately involved with another human. Want to avoid the risk? Get a pet and a vibrator. Or a fleshlight.

Moving to a cave is another option.

Otherwise you're risking chest crushing hurt every time you date, and you do so with the full knowledge that I won't care about the particulars when it ends.

Why?

First of all, you're not really in the best place to give me an honest account of the relationship, and in the case of things like this I'm not interested in fiction.

Second, I'm unwilling to be ammo in the constant salvos you want to lob at the other person, or that they want to lob at you.

Third, most of your drama is something that those around you saw coming from a mile away.

So please don't expect me to care or ask about details or think you're a better person for all you're going through. Welcome to the human existence.

Now if you want to talk about how you can barely breathe right now and are wondering how you can possibly believe that things will get better, that's a conversation I'm happy to have.

If you want to talk about the fact that your desire to go out, drink yourself into oblivion and hook up with random strangers to get back at your ex seems to be hurting you more than them - happy to talk.

And God knows, if you want to really sit down and look at what went wrong, starting with what you messed up, then I'm there.

But if you just want someone to nod and say "What a bitch/dick," you've got plenty of people who feed off the misery of others that will happily fill that role for you.

Oh, and for my next blog I'm gonna give you a good idea of what probably went wrong.

HINT: When you try to turn the desire to have sex with someone into a reason to bond with them, then you've made the most common mistake that our fucked up view of sex causes.

Make sure to tune in cause we's havin' some fun next time!

Aptitude For Destruction (The Modern Warrior and How We're Slowly Killing Them)

2009-11-22T13:06:00.009-05:00

The other night at work I jokingly threw a quick jab at a co-worker who responded in a way that made me realize I'd met something unique in my life experience - a warrior. Counting him I've met four. They are a rare breed.

It wasn't anything flashy that happened. He intercepted my punch and had a palm strike that would have reconfigured the placement of my face to the back of my skull, launched and stopped, before I'd had time to blink. It's hard to explain exactly, but if you've had any martial training at all you get a sense through how people move and carry themselves, and how their center feels if you bump them, that tells you whether or not they can handle themselves or not.

But beyond that there's something else. There are real life Jason Bourne's and Jack Bauer's out there. People with an instinctive and unique skill set that gives them an almost otherworldly power in combat (at least to those who do not possess it) mixed with the strength of self to control that power. They can take pain that most cannot, they can strike like concrete, and it is on the will and skill of this Warrior class that a country is built and defended.

If you've never felt this, then my words probably sound hyperbolic so we'll set those aside for now.

What I got to thinking about because of that experience the other night, is that Warriors, who have held places of honor in cultures for most of human history, no longer seem to be offered a place anymore. Civilization seems scared of those who can use physical prowess to survive instead of organization and technology.

So we judge and push these individuals to the margins, while celebrating the flashy and boisterous folk. Sure we'll turn to the Warriors when time's are truly dire, but outside of that we often treat them like second class citizens. At the same time we hold up for admiration the idiots with no self-control who make a show of their power by bullying, pushing, or just plain intimidating those around them.

The longer a person doesn't show us they can fight, rather than respecting their control and strength as we should as a society, we tend to disrespect them more and more. Mistaking an ability to not fight with an inability to excel in battle.

Look at our popular entertainment for proof. Often we have the set up of the Warrior who has chosen a path of peace and or enlightenment. But it's always to set them up for being pushed back into conflict. The gratification comes from watching them explode. Yet we want people in reality to be "civilized", so we insist through laws and social contracts that the Warrior be less than they are, giving them no legitimate place to fit in, and often ignoring that best part of themselves that we call upon in times of need.

In the case of my co-worker, this is someone who has had to make life and death decisions on the battlefield, whether to take or protect life, and has had to do it in as hostile a terrain as possible. He did this because it was his job and he was good at it. Very good at it. Now he works in a restaurant, still does an outstanding job, but catches heat for things like not smiling enough. As though the level of outward jubilation has anything to do with competence. Do you think that if you'd had to make the decision to kill or not kill someone you had befriended that you could even conceive of why a disingenuous smile would be worth your time?

This man, and those like him, are not ungrown man children trying to fight to prove they are tough, or swinging their dicks and their conquests around to try and garner respect from their peers through often fictional tales of superhuman cocksmanship. These are the backbones of the human condition. The steadfast and sturdy who can carry through and endure things that most of us cannot imagine.

They show us what we are capable of and therefor give us the chance to be better than we think ourselves capable.

And the best we have to offer them is a hearty handshake and maybe a suggestion to get into MMA.

For much of history the Warrior class has been held in high esteem. Not fighters, because any idiot with some time can learn to fight, but Warriors. The Warriors that we've forgotten how to cherish. And the sad thing is that because of their character they will be there for us when we need them even though we do not deserve them. But we're also losing them to depression, lack of purpose, and the plain fatigue of being a person the world will not acknowledge.

There will always be Warriors, but if we do not respect and support them, find a way to make them useful and feel needed, their numbers will dwindle. When we really need them again, we may not have the numbers we need to survive.

And that will be on us. Because we'd rather look at brain dead alpha males engaged in various pissing contests, celebrity upskirts, and flirtatious morons, then embrace the strong, steady hand of a true Warrior.

Support

2009-11-19T22:12:00.006-05:00

I've seen so many relationships over the course of my years here - good ones, bad ones, blah, blah, blah. And nobody ever really seems to have a good insight into what makes a relationship work.

Sure they say it's communication, but people are constantly communicating these days and aren't really saying anything most of the time. So it's more about quality. But what is that quality that needs striving for.

Should we communicate our needs, our wants, our desires? Or should it be about full disclosure. Telling the other person every little thing they do that drives you nuts. Expressing honestly how you feel about the years effect on their appearance, or habits, hobbies or outlook?

I don't think it's any of that. They are all surface indicators of deeper stuff.

Support is the key it appears to me. And most of us suck at it.

When your partner feels supported by you they also feel loved, they feel your attraction, you presence, your commitment. When that feeling of support is absent then all kinds of things become potential problems. And most of us that are in relationships we like being in make an honest effort to support our S.O.

So why do we suck at it so bad? Why do so many people feel like the one person who should most care about them doesn't have their back when it comes to life goals, dreams, etc?

Largely because we try to give the support that WE want, instead of the support that our S.O. wants. You basically have two people trying to give each other the gift that they want to receive instead of the gift the other person wants. Which of course can lead to bitterness that the love of our life (or whatever) isn't giving us what we need.

Especially if there's no recognition that they are trying.

So what to do if you're having issues in a relationship (that isn't fundamentally flawed of course) may simply be to pay attention to what your partner does for you and realize that is what they want to receive from you.

If they aren't doing anything for you then it's maybe not such a good relationship to be in. Just saying.

So hopefully this'll help some of you who seem to be in a constant state of flux regarding the state of your relationships. And if not, well I've been sick for close to two weeks and am still a little weak, so I'll have something better for ya next time :-)

And no, if you're wondering, I'm not much better at this than anyone else.

Meant To Be (or God Wants You To Be a Lazy Bastard)

2009-11-03T12:23:00.008-05:00

"Everything that doesn’t go right, goes wrong for all the right reasons."

This was a friend's FaceBook update recently and I have to say this is a mindset I've never understood. It obviously speaks to the outlook that God has a plan and everything happens as it is intended, but there's a major problem with that.

People, pretty much all people, believe in free will.

If you don't think we get to make our own decisions then there's no point to anything. We're just pistons in a great big God machine. Not only does that not fit with our experiences, but also doesn't fit with our actions. Why lock up murders, rapists, bankers, and clowns if they have no control over their actions. That would make them as sublimely innocent (all of us in fact) as dandelion seeds.

From a Christian perspective, freewill is an essential part of faith, because only in choosing belief can one be saved.

BUT

People also seem to want to insist that God has an infallible plan too. That he is all knowing and everything that happens is a result of a certain timetable and divine plan.

Well let me plainly say that if everything that happens to people is a direct result of God's manipulation of us, then at best the dude's a scientist using us as lab rats, and at worst he's a mean motherfucker making life difficult and painful just because he can.

Don't get pissed off at me, I'm just pointing out the inconsistencies in a certain perspective. I actually think that God, in whatever form you worship divinity, is a hell of a lot cooler than that.

This is the point where many will say "God works in mysterious ways". There is some merit to this statement. A chess master can see an entire game in their head, while I can barely see two moves in the future. So the master might sacrifice a rook for no apparent reason to a novice such as myself, but in fact is using it as an essential part of the end game.

But let's not get too happy about that statement. In the Chess analogy there is an opponent. And God, as typically conceived, has no opponent. Mankind may be in a struggle with Satan, but it's no problem for God to put that sucker in his place. So if there's no opponent, then God is playing both sides of the board, which means any moves made are for his own edification and amusement, not in the pursuit of any meaningful victory.

In other words, there is no specific reason why anything needs to be any certain way.

So no doubt God can see consequences far beyond mortal comprehension, but that doesn't explain away the reason behind bad things happening if indeed he is an all powerful, all knowing, all controlling being.

Unless, of course, you think He's just plain mean.

All evidence would seem to point to God being aware of all possibilities, even knowing what choices we can/will make and how they will effect humanity through all their iterations. But not changing things. Not controlling us. Not altering the consequences of our choices.

So when things happen, good, bad or indifferent, they just happen. If thinking they happen for a reason helps you out of a rough spot then do what you need to do, but it takes away the beauty of the human experience.

After all, the logical extension of "Everything happens for a reason" is that we should just stop doing whatever we're doing, stay where we are and see what happens. If something is required of us, it'll happen. If not, then staying put must be what is supposed to happen.

Yes it sounds like a ridiculous conclusion, but it's not my theory.

What I prefer to believe in is the ingenuity and grit of people. When something unfortunate happens we are hurt, we grieve, we feel anger, but we also discover new pathways because we are forced to consider new circumstances. In trial we may find a strength we never knew we had, a choice we could not have previously conceived, or a perspective we hadn't considered.

So on balance I'd say no, I don't believe everything happens for a reason, and I don't think most intelligent people really deeply hold to that either. Not in a preordained plan finding it's way to fruition sort of way.

BUT

Everything that happens does let us grow and change, so if you consider that a positive for people both individually and as a species, which I do, then I suppose that could be the reason things happen. So that we can be given opportunities to discover greatness within ourselves.

And if that's the plan of the deity you dig, then it's a damn good one.

Uncanny Valley Effect - or Why You Might Hate Gays

2009-10-30T00:28:00.007-04:00

One of the more interesting theories out there in regards to robotics is called the Uncanny Valley Effect (UVE). It holds that our perception of a robot becomes more and more positive until it hits a certain level of almost human likeness at which point that positive response turns into repulsion, until it finally improves to a totally human look at which point the positive response returns.

There are a number of thoughts behind why this is, but one of them is that at a certain point the robot looks human enough that we stop judging it AS a robot and start judging it as a human. At that point it strikes us as wrong, because it is NOT QUITE human, and we are repulsed because it is a natural reaction to humans who are either diseased or have genetic defects that make them unfit mates.

What struck me the other day is that I think this may tie somewhat into why people hate certain groups of people so violently.

Take gays for instance and the recent battle over gay marriage in California.

Now a typical response to something that you don't care for is relatively mild. Say your best friend loves asparagus and you hate it. They say, "I love asparagus," and your reasonable response is, "Ugh, I hate that shit, but you enjoy yourself!" Obviously another person loving asparagus doesn't take anything away from you, so why should you get upset, even though you find it personally distasteful.

Now suppose a gay friend says, "I love sucking dick." A reasonable heterosexual response, even one repulsed by the idea of men sucking men's dicks, would be along the lines of, "Yuck, I hate the idea of a dude sucking a dick, but you enjoy yourself!" After all, a man loving the taste of some dick on his tongue doesn't take anything away from you.

But that's not how people react. They react as though this thing they don't like is a disease. Something negative and infectious that will spread and destroy what they love. They act as though homosexuality, for this particular example, DOES take something away from them. And so they actively fight it.

The vigor they put into the battle against gay marriage becomes the same sort of energy they would use to fight the idea that people carrying smallpox is normal and healthy.

So what is the explanation for why people would look at homosexuality as a pathogen. It certainly doesn't make any logical sense. It's neither infectious, nor can it be passed on through traditional mating. The answer may be in the Uncanny Valley Effect.

Stereotypes by their nature paint a certain group as less than human. Just like a robot is less than human. And to a point stereotypes can be useful in that we cannot know every person in the world, so having some way to quickly judge the outlook and culture of a group of people helps us to organize a very big world. But as we apply those stereotypes more specifically to a person, instead of keeping them as a broad stroke way to know a group, we begin to merge the depersonalization of a stereotype with the personalization of interacting with an individual human.

It is at this point that the Uncanny Valley Effect could apply, for we begin to have the same repulsion that we have for a robot that looks almost human, but not human enough. We recognize an individual member of a stereotyped group in the same way - almost human, but not human enough. The repulsion then becomes attached to the stereotype and it could be argued leads to the desire to fight the spread of this "type" of person.

In seeing the group as less than human because of a stereotype, our one theory behind the reason for UVE discussed above, a disease model, would indicate that we start to see that stereotype as a pathological model.

So a group that views homosexuality as distasteful because of religious, cultural, or societal upbringing, finds itself repulsed and warps a simple disinterest in, or distaste for something, into a need to end it and label it as wrong.

If this is the case, the basic model can be applied to many cultural issues, as this is likely why there remain problems with racism, sexism, xenophobia, etc. In every case, an other is judged as almost, but not quite human. And when the UVE takes hold, fear and anger lead to hatred and violence. A desire to end that other.

Treating it not like asparagus, but cancer.

Probably only through further personalization can this be ended, forcing the disapproving party to see the stereotype they hate as a real person through specific interaction. Not a particularly realistic solution, but certainly a path worth exploring for those who wish to actively supersede their prejudices.

Baring that, since it is an emotional, not logical reaction, there's no real use trying to argue someone out of their UVE induced hate. The focus should then be on educating others, and illuminating the illogical hate and fear in arguments against a particular group instead of pretending that both sides are presenting equally valid arguments.

When it comes to stereotype driven perspectives, especially in regards to law, it's like one side believes the sky is blue, and the other believes it's made of pudding.

As a species it is in our best interest to evolve past the pudding, and get into the blue when dealing with issues such as immigration, racial profiling, gay marriage, etc. Just be aware, that those on the pudding side of things seem to really love their pudding.

The Mechanics of Joy

2009-10-27T23:57:00.005-04:00

I waited on some friends of a co-worker recently, and she shared today that one of them said, "It was kind of sad, he seemed to think he was funny, but he wasn't".

Kind of an ouch for sure, definitely rude, and overall a big "Who gives a fuck?" because I don't know this person at all so really it doesn't much matter what a stranger thinks of me be it positive or negative.

Except that it bugged me, because people are structured weirdly.

We are emotionally built to feel pain more intensely than joy. Perhaps from a survival standpoint this has some benefit, the focus on avoidance rather than pursuit. But given where we are in the evolution of the species, it's a curious thing that we're so negatively driven.

In regards to money it's called "Prospect Theory" and holds that the loss of a set amount of money is twice as painful as the pleasure of gaining that same sum.

It also seems to be true in other emotional matters, and make no mistake, anything that elicits a pleasure/pain reaction is strongly tied to emotions. For instance, a loved one tells you that you look really good today. You probably say thank you, and go about your day without giving the compliment much further consideration. But say you're in traffic and someone cuts you off, flips you off, and or screams at you for no apparent reason. You'll probably steam about that for the rest of the day.

Why?

Why do we allow the random opinions or actions of people that are nothing more than a flash in our life to effect us deeply while often missing out on the opportunity to cherish positive vibes from those closest to us?

I don't have an answer to that.

I do know that I'm trying to focus on enjoying, consciously enjoying the positives in my life, and letting the bad stuff slide. At the very least I hope that I can continue to be amused at myself when I let some anonymous Internet feedback to one of my articles, or some tactless customer wielding the maturity of a high schooler, bother me. 'Cause I may not be funny, but that shit is.

The Cleavage of Parenting

2009-10-23T13:31:00.006-04:00

It seems weird in the new millennium and all, but in my experience stay-at-home dad's are still viewed as more a curiosity than a legitimate child rearing force. In fact, many women seem to have an active prejudice against the idea that men could be as good at the job as nature has made THE MOM!

Which is mostly fine. Socially and stereotypically the area of family runner has long been perceived as ya'lls bailiwick. But there is a creeping irony as more and more dads opt for time with the kids over a strict business focus and find that the glass ceiling that women have fought for so long exists in all sorts of environments. Of course the currency of parenting isn't currency, it's acknowledgement and respect.

Talking to an educator, a doctor, a nurse, really any professional who deals with your child, is often similar to getting a lecture from someone who thinks you're as adorable as Corky (LIFE GOES ON, not ROMANO). The predominant image of a dad raising kids appears to be Michael Keaton in MR. MOM, which was so long ago that Teri Garr was still hot.

All of this is pretty much part of the game though, and I certainly didn't decide to stay at home to win awards or get seduced by marginally attractive neighborhood women (although I'm slightly disappointed that no one has even tried!) I did it because it makes financial sense for our family, and because given the likelihood that when the boys turn 11 or 12 they probably won't want to talk to me for a decade, I'm greedy for all the time I can get with them.

When we decided to have kids we wanted to make sure that WE raised them. We are fortunate that we had that decision open to us.

BUT, the one thing that drives me nuts is anytime a conversation comes up about the kids when my wife is around. I love her and she's a great mother, but ladies, you know how much fun it is to talk to a guy or an aggressive lesbian who won't look away from your chest during a conversation. That's what you make us dudes feel like when you totally ignore us in favor of the woman's opinion when child stuff comes up. I work hard to raise my kids to be polite, educated, charming little sociopaths.

So as adorably incompetent as the romantic comedies of the world want to make us, there are competent men out here doing a damn fine job of raising the kids. Just thought you should know.

2009-10-23T13:07:00.002-04:00

Check out my review of the single disc WOLVERINE release and see if the movie and/or the DVD are worth your time.

GLEE drops the ball on HS popularity advice

2009-10-21T23:03:00.006-04:00

GLEE is fast becoming a new favorite show of mine. It started off fairly uneven, but the more they embrace crazy, the better it gets. And I'm definitely a fan of OCD cutie Emma, the high school guidance counselor, played by Jayma Mays.

In tonight's episode the school quarterback and head cheerleader find their popularity compromised and go to Emma for advice on how to be cool. She tells them that they should just be themselves and anybody who doesn't appreciate them for who they are isn't worth their time.

All well and good, but completely insufficient advice for a fragile teenage psyche. I mean c'mon, being told the people you want to like you aren't worth your time helps to allieviate the desire to be liked BY them about as much as telling someone who's just gotten dumped that time will heal the wound. It's a nice platitude, but is cold comfort at a time in life when every moment feels as though it contains the entire and everlasting truth of the universe in it.

So, for the sake of my sons one day, and for anyone who has a child struggling with popularity issues, here's the truth of the matter as I see it -

The people who are mean to you in high school are, for the most part, not bad people. But many of them are small, scared animals who lack vision beyond the hallways they currently walk. Which won't help right now, because there is little pain in life more difficult to manage than the insecurity you feel right now, the thought that some how you are not good enough. The good news is that this will fuel you to dream big, it will force you to explore deeply who you really are, it will teach you how to survive the scorn of the uninformed, and how to make the right decision instead of the popular one.

Unfortunately you're going to have to find a way to survive the next few years on grit and stubborn determination. Things WILL get better, though it's unlikely to feel that way in the near future. But when you come out the other side, you're going to be well on your way to being a confident, imaginative individual who lives the rest of your life unintimidated by fear, comfortable with failure, and driven by the pursuit of sustainable happiness rather than the fickle judgements of others. And while you will eventually morph into someone who doesn't take pleasure in the misfortune of others, for now take heart in the fact that those who are currently cruel to you will most likely jail themselves in a life of compromise, undreamt or unpursued possibilities, and a crippling need to protect a status they lost at 18.

I know how much it hurts now, but please believe me that I can see your future, and you will be more than you dream possible.

DVD Review - Staunton Hill

2009-10-21T09:25:00.002-04:00

Usually it's a good thing to say a horror movie was difficult to sit through, but is that statement a compliment when it comes to STAUNTON HILL? Read my review at AITH to find out!

Creativity and poop

2009-10-21T08:09:00.003-04:00

Two of the biggest things you need to be a good parent in my estimation are creativity and a willingness to deal with poop. This requires humor, a strong stomach, and any number of household cleaners. In fact, poop can become such an ever present annoynance in parenting that it becomes almost sweet when you only find it in places that make sense - like inside a dirty diaper. Here's an ode that I sing to my boys in celebration of those days.

Feel free to make up your own melody!

You Look Kinda Funny -

You look kinda funny with your balls covered in poo,
You look kinda funny with your balls covered in poo,
You look kinda funny with your balls covered in poo,
But that's okay buddy 'cause I love you.

Vasectomy (or Oh No! They're cutting my balls!)

2009-10-20T16:14:00.003-04:00

[This is a slightly edited repost of a Note I wrote on FB a few weeks ago]

Well I just had a vasectomy a few weeks ago, and to all those people who act as though the procedure is no big deal - I will offer a sane, but slightly different perspective.

First off you're talking about an in office procedure, though much to my relief this does not mean the doc snips your nuts on top of his desk. You'll be in and out in an hour or less most likely.

Be prepared to give a urine sample when they ask you back, and if you're me, be prepared to find out you have trace amounts of blood in your urine that should be checked out with an X-Ray to verify that you don't have bladder cancer. Less than 2% chance according to the doc, which means I have a 2% greater chance of having cancer diagnosed by the end of the week than I would have thought. Apparently a lot of dudes have a little blood in their urine, so don't be surprised if you get the bladder cancer talk too.

At this point you'll go in to the typical examining room and be told to take off everything below the waist. I'd recommend you not look around too much at this point, because the needle that contains the stuff they'll use to numb the boys is somewhere nearby, and you don't really want to see it.

When the doc comes in you get to lay back and press your legs together to create a "table" for the doc to work on. Surprised me since I expected to be in some sort of gyno position. He'll take the time now to check out your junk, in a manner than has all the subtlely of my 3 year-old playing with his dinosaur. If like me, you have sensitive balls, this is only slightly less painful than purposely slamming your nuts in a heavy book.

Next comes the dry shave of the area. Seriously, if anyone had clued me in that my scrotum would be a standin for Charles Bronson's face in the Dirty Dozen then I would have shaved the fucking thing myself ahead of time. Hell I'd have gladly taken the pain of a sack and crack wax over the brutalization my tommyknockers endured.

Now comes the anesthetic, which more or less feels like an injection of liquid hot magma. Fortunately things numb up quickly, and you really don't feel anything other than pressure as your sack gets cut open so that the important tubes can get dealt with in a situation that's like a mix of playing Operation and attending a spaghetti dinner. If like me, adrenaline has caused massive shakes which then require intense focus and breathing to mitigate, the time seems interminable though is likely only 5 - 8 minutes.

After the unsettling feeling of indistinct tugging, followed by the sound of snipping, you also get to enjoy the smell of your own internal burning ball flesh as the ends of the tube are cauterized.

But thankfully it's almost over ... wait, what?! Time to do the other side? Oh sweet fucking Twizzlers I thought you were taking care of both sides at the same time!

Go back to the shot and repeat on the other side.

Then get up, wash off your own junk, and hobble out of the doc's office to go home and sit around all night watching MNF while alternating a bag of frozen corn and greenbeans on your sliced sack to avoid a hematoma.

Overall I really have no doubt this'll be well worth it, but all I saw when I checked into vasectomy info was stuff about how easy painless it is. Not entirely my experience as you can see.

Oh, and your pain meds will likely be Vicodin or Oxycodone, which is essentially a mildly effective pain reliever for me, but given that it's nickname is Hillbilly Heroin, ymmv.

Top 10: Land Monsters

2009-10-20T14:03:00.003-04:00

Like being scared by things that could actually crawl down your shirt at night and end you? Check out the first part of my Top 10 Land Monsters over at Arrow In The Head!

Here we go

2009-10-20T13:22:00.000-04:00

Guess I'm finally a blogger. I've resisted it for quite awhile because I didn't see much point given all the white noise out there. After all, if I'm simply blogging for myself and the odd friend who checks in occasionally, then what's the point? I can just chat with them indivdually about what's going on in my life.

But I've been a semi-professional writer for going on 5 years now, and "they" are right when they say that writers write. In other words, I don't suppose it matters much if anybody else has much interest in my musings here, because the exercise of creating it will be its own reason for being.

That said, I hope you love every fucking word I put down and find yourself unable to resist telling all your friends and loved ones to read Red Gumbo like it's non-addictive heroin for your brain.

I picked Red Gumbo because I'm a red head, and like gumbo, this blog will be filled with all sorts of stuff. I'll share my views on being a stay-at-home dad, thoughts on movies that are coming up or that I've reviewed (since this is what I write about for cashola), general essays on things like the efficacy of assassinations and why ultra hot chicks are about as satisfying as PG-13 horror films, and whatever the hell else happens to pop into my very profane, relatively smart head.

Guess that's it for now. Let's see where this goes.