Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Vasectomy (or Oh No! They're cutting my balls!)

[This is a slightly edited repost of a Note I wrote on FB a few weeks ago]

Well I just had a vasectomy a few weeks ago, and to all those people who act as though the procedure is no big deal - I will offer a sane, but slightly different perspective.

First off you're talking about an in office procedure, though much to my relief this does not mean the doc snips your nuts on top of his desk. You'll be in and out in an hour or less most likely.

Be prepared to give a urine sample when they ask you back, and if you're me, be prepared to find out you have trace amounts of blood in your urine that should be checked out with an X-Ray to verify that you don't have bladder cancer. Less than 2% chance according to the doc, which means I have a 2% greater chance of having cancer diagnosed by the end of the week than I would have thought. Apparently a lot of dudes have a little blood in their urine, so don't be surprised if you get the bladder cancer talk too.

At this point you'll go in to the typical examining room and be told to take off everything below the waist. I'd recommend you not look around too much at this point, because the needle that contains the stuff they'll use to numb the boys is somewhere nearby, and you don't really want to see it.

When the doc comes in you get to lay back and press your legs together to create a "table" for the doc to work on. Surprised me since I expected to be in some sort of gyno position. He'll take the time now to check out your junk, in a manner than has all the subtlely of my 3 year-old playing with his dinosaur. If like me, you have sensitive balls, this is only slightly less painful than purposely slamming your nuts in a heavy book.

Next comes the dry shave of the area. Seriously, if anyone had clued me in that my scrotum would be a standin for Charles Bronson's face in the Dirty Dozen then I would have shaved the fucking thing myself ahead of time. Hell I'd have gladly taken the pain of a sack and crack wax over the brutalization my tommyknockers endured.

Now comes the anesthetic, which more or less feels like an injection of liquid hot magma. Fortunately things numb up quickly, and you really don't feel anything other than pressure as your sack gets cut open so that the important tubes can get dealt with in a situation that's like a mix of playing Operation and attending a spaghetti dinner. If like me, adrenaline has caused massive shakes which then require intense focus and breathing to mitigate, the time seems interminable though is likely only 5 - 8 minutes.

After the unsettling feeling of indistinct tugging, followed by the sound of snipping, you also get to enjoy the smell of your own internal burning ball flesh as the ends of the tube are cauterized.

But thankfully it's almost over ... wait, what?! Time to do the other side? Oh sweet fucking Twizzlers I thought you were taking care of both sides at the same time!

Go back to the shot and repeat on the other side.

Then get up, wash off your own junk, and hobble out of the doc's office to go home and sit around all night watching MNF while alternating a bag of frozen corn and greenbeans on your sliced sack to avoid a hematoma.

Overall I really have no doubt this'll be well worth it, but all I saw when I checked into vasectomy info was stuff about how easy painless it is. Not entirely my experience as you can see.

Oh, and your pain meds will likely be Vicodin or Oxycodone, which is essentially a mildly effective pain reliever for me, but given that it's nickname is Hillbilly Heroin, ymmv.

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