Of course your relationship ended badly (or in FIGHT CLUB speak, "You are not special")

Enough OK. Please don't ask me to care about the ins and outs of how your relationship ended. Most relationships end. And when they do, they end badly. Otherwise they wouldn't end. Also please don't bother me with tales of all your "good" breakups.

A good breakup involves at least one person lying or a lack of passion for the damn thing in the first place.

Now I get some heat all the time for not being a particularly supportive person when it comes to heartbreak. And I'm not. It's like asking me to give a 5 star review to a movie sporting a plot I've seen a thousand times. It just gets old.

There will always be two aggrieved parties. There will always be he said/she said (or s/he said, s/he said). There will always be a battle for the allegiance of mutual friends and a pissing contest to lock down shared hang outs.

This is what comes with a break up. It's the cost of getting intimately involved with another human. Want to avoid the risk? Get a pet and a vibrator. Or a fleshlight.

Moving to a cave is another option.

Otherwise you're risking chest crushing hurt every time you date, and you do so with the full knowledge that I won't care about the particulars when it ends.

Why?

First of all, you're not really in the best place to give me an honest account of the relationship, and in the case of things like this I'm not interested in fiction.

Second, I'm unwilling to be ammo in the constant salvos you want to lob at the other person, or that they want to lob at you.

Third, most of your drama is something that those around you saw coming from a mile away.

So please don't expect me to care or ask about details or think you're a better person for all you're going through. Welcome to the human existence.

Now if you want to talk about how you can barely breathe right now and are wondering how you can possibly believe that things will get better, that's a conversation I'm happy to have.

If you want to talk about the fact that your desire to go out, drink yourself into oblivion and hook up with random strangers to get back at your ex seems to be hurting you more than them - happy to talk.

And God knows, if you want to really sit down and look at what went wrong, starting with what you messed up, then I'm there.

But if you just want someone to nod and say "What a bitch/dick," you've got plenty of people who feed off the misery of others that will happily fill that role for you.

Oh, and for my next blog I'm gonna give you a good idea of what probably went wrong.

HINT: When you try to turn the desire to have sex with someone into a reason to bond with them, then you've made the most common mistake that our fucked up view of sex causes.

Make sure to tune in cause we's havin' some fun next time!