Saturday, December 12, 2009
Sex Is Awesome (and Makes You Stupid)
Was chatting with a chick at work the other night who is a virgin. Good on ya (or not actually) I say. Why? Why not? I think that getting married before you've slept with someone is a massive error, but choosing to keep your cookie intact, your wick dry, these are things I fully support if that's the way you want to do things.
After all, virgins tend to think and talk about sex a lot. They plan for it, imagine what they want, and are obviously quite picky about who they give it up to. Not necessarily a bad way to go about it. In fact, it's far more mature than most of the sexually active people who would rather fumble from one embarrassing drunken hook up to another than actually discuss the sex they are about to have, or want to have, or just flat out fantasize about.
My father, in conversations that were mortifying at the time, used to say, "If you're not mature enough to talk about sex, you're not mature enough to have it." Wise dude.
Oddly enough it usually feels much more intimate to honestly discuss a sexual relationship than to just get down to business. After all, sex without context is just organic IKEA. Slightly confusing at first, but fairly intuitive as to how to put it together.
But people EXPECT sex to be intimate, so they do stupid things like starting a relationship just because they nailed someone. Which is silly. If two people want to get it on, then get it on and let it be that. Don't make it more than it is. Also, if you don't JUST want to get it on, then don't pretend like you do. If sex creates an emotional connection for you then you should be damn careful who you let or get inside (figuratively and literally).
Do you know why a great hug feels so great, and sex often leaves you feeling so hollow? Because a great hug is physical, intimate, non-demanding and shared for mutual pleasure. Nobody's keeping score or bragging to their friends about the great hug they just had. Nobody's manipulating people with great hugs.
But that's 'cause we're not so damn conflicted about hugs.
Sex is the ever present pink elephant in the room. It drives us on the most base level and is a constant factor in our human interactions, but no one wants to acknowledge it. So people end up with all sorts of regret about the sex they DO have because they don't have the support, the courage or the gumption to talk about the sex they WANT to have.
So you get drunk and hook up with some beautiful/handsome (or not so beautiful/handsome) idiot one night. Instead of going into it saying to the person, I don't see much in common between us, but you make me so damn hot that I want to bend you over and roto rooter your plumbing, people try to turn that reasonable one night of fun into a relationship because they think that sex should be special.
Two things you need to know here.
First, sex is not by definition special. It's actually a quite common and typical part of the animal kingdom. We've just been raised to hold it on a pedestal while at the same time feeling shame about wanting it. No wonder we're all so screwed up.
Second, you cannot change a person by fucking them.
Allow me to repeat that - YOU CANNOT CHANGE A PERSON BY FUCKING THEM!
People will act all sorts of dishonest ways to get sex, but eventually the person you is be the person you is. No quantity or quality of sex can stop that from coming to the fore.
Why do you think most relationships end with someone saying "they're just not the person I thought they were". It's because when we're trying to fuck someone for the first time we'll contort ourselves into all sorts of positions that aren't natural to us to show that we're just the kind of dance partner they want. We'll say anything, try anything, go anywhere.
If dating were honest you could establish at the start if rimjobs and snowballing are a preference or a deal breaker. Instead people hide what they really want from sex out of embarrassment or lack of trust in their partner, and then 30 years later grandma and grandpa break up because they went outside of the relationship for swallowing and trains instead of giving each other the chance to fulfill their needs.
Stupid fucked up shit. Lack of honesty about sex is probably the number one communication issue in relationships and the major reason for infidelity, small pox and the economy.
So while I generally think virgins who make that decision from a standpoint of moralistic superiority, or my fav, a predilection for stating that it's not that big a deal, have an immature perspective - so do most of the people having sex in the world.
Personally I'd rather see rolling orgiastic plains of informed and honest sodomistic partnering than dry fields of scrapbooking pajama parties, but that's because sex feels awesome and I don't think there's any reason people who want to have it shouldn't be having reams of it.
But if you can't tell the person you're about become a Siamese twin with for the next 30 seconds to half hour that you wish they'd choke you and spit on your face then maybe you shouldn't be on that flesh train with 'em in the first place.
I don't mean we should get all Antioch College about sex - "May I touch your breasts?" "Yes." "May I chew on your nose?" "I'd rather you didn't."
But seriously, for anyone out there wondering why you keep getting stuck in bad relationships, or keep waking up unhappy with the figure in bed next to you. Try limiting yourself to bumping uglies with people you talked about the act with beforehand. You're quantity will drop like bombs, but your quality will become a phenomenon!
Clearly I'm punchy at this point so end of blog. Go find someone you dig and talk about the dirty things you'd like to do to them. And then do them!